There’s been a dearth of cereal news to report lately because every alarmist news site and blogger on earth has been busy misinterpreting scientific studies so they can tantalize you with shock headlines about how Big Cereal is out to kill you and your family for profit.

That said, so as not to be outdone by these lame, non-cereal sites treading on our turf, here’s our disturbing list of recent cereal-related horrors that conclusively prove that the Illuminati is out to poison you and indoctrinate your children by infiltrating your kitchen cupboard. This is exactly why I make my own cereal at home!

1. Wheaties so full of metal filings, it clings to a magnet!

Here’s a frightening fact: according to Google, “lead is a very strong poison. When a person swallows a lead object or breathes in lead dust, some of the poison can stay in the body and cause serious health problems.” Now, let me ask you a question: would you eat a big bowl of lead? What if I told you Wheaties, “breakfast of champions” was full of iron?! Iron is a metal, too, so it’s probably going to kill you if you eat it.

Never mind that General Mills advertises “8mg iron” in big, bold letters right at the top of the box. After all, the FDA says that’s less than half the amount of iron we should be consuming every day, and we all know who they’re in leagues with!

Go ahead, watch on in abject terror as crushed-up Wheaties cling to a magnet, if you dare:

This shocking discovery comes courtesy of certified scientician Mike Adams of trusted, unbiased news source Natural News. Adams’s conversational tone and undisclosed “background in science” is all I need to know he’s spreading the truth! Make sure you look into his other studies on breakfast cereals, too. I can’t wait for the one exposing the dangers behind the rainbows in Lucky Charms.

2. Big Cereal is subliminally controlling your children

A cartoon displaying the differences in eyelines on cereal boxes. In case you’ve been living under a rock lately, the big news this week is that General Mills, Kellogg’s, and even Post have been secretly conspiring to indoctrinate children into their Orwellian NBO, or New Breakfast Order for you laymen out there. (And to those laymen out there: wake up, sheeple!)

Yes, thanks to a study by Cornell, we now know that cereal companies have been secretly shifting the eyes downward on the characters on the front of cereal boxes to appeal to children. Wait a minute—making products children enjoy appeal to those very same children? Sickening. Truly sickening. Don’t even get us started on how they make kids love cereal by making it taste good. Monsters.

Although it seems like they could have just asked someone who works in the graphic design department at any of the major cereal manufacturers if that’s a technique they use in branding, we still applaud the Cornell researchers for taking it upon themselves to actually go to 10 grocery stores and look at the boxes. That’s hard science!

And despite the fact that the Cornell folks did not actually study whether this affected sales one way or another (and in fact only said it “may increase positive feelings towards the product and encourage consumers to buy it”), and didn’t even do a study on whether or not cereal box eye contact had an affect on children, that hasn’t stopped everyone for making those leaps on their behalf.

And for our own safety, thank God everyone did over- and mis-report their weird and creepy findings—now that I know about the underhanded tricks these evil corporations are using to brainwash us all, I’ll be sure to wrap my head in tinfoil before I go down the cereal aisle again.

3. The Illuminati is secretly controlling the entire cereal industry!

This is a bit of our own original research, but I mean, just look at this:

Pictures of cereal boxes with red triangles crudely drawn on.

Also, when I was looking up images of cereal boxes for this entry I found this:

Pie with lucky charms embedded in the sides.

Lucky Charms Ice Box Pie?! Holy crap, that looks good! I just felt compelled to post it, even though it has nothing to do with cereal conspiracies. Or does it?

The same pie with a red triangle crudely drawn on top.

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