Cereal Crime Wave
If you’re as keen on cereal-related crimes as I am, today is your lucky day! Last week’s papers seemed to be filled with nothing but cereal crime stories, all of which I’ve lovingly quoted and linked to below. There must be something in the milk.
First up, we have this report from April 4th of a rampaging boy in Waukesha, WI:
A 13-year-old was arrested and taken to juvenile shelter care after it was reported the juvenile was out of control and throwing cereal at 7:37 a.m. Saturday in the 1400 block of East Sunset Drive.
Earlier that day, elsewhere in Wisconsin, a father was arrested for whipping his children with a belt after one of them ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast—I think. Try to decipher the wording below from the Portage Daily Register:
A Portage man faces more than 38 years in prison after authorities said he whipped four children with a belt and stopped them from attending school for giving cereal as breakfast to a 6-year-old child.
Moving on to New Jersey, a man hijacked a Malt-O-Meal delivery truck on April 5th. He was also high on cocaine at the time, but I like to think he just loved Frosted Mini Spooners:
A New Jersey man who police say was caught driving high on cocaine in Lehigh County in a stolen tractor-trailer that contained $4,000 worth of cereal could serve nearly two years in jail.
And speaking of trucks, April 6th saw a trucker in Pennsylvania who "shifted his own stick in the cereal aisle," as one article put it. If you’re still not catching on, here’s an excerpt from a slightly-less subtle source:
Bobby Carter, 51, a registered sex offender from Leitchfield, KY., is facing charges in Pennsylvania after allegedly spooging on a woman’s butt as she browsed the cereal aisle at a Giant grocery store last month.
Gross. Is there no end to the madness?!
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